Ok so here I am again, coming back to my blog after almost 6 months of nothing. Why? Because whether or not anyone reads this, whether or not I write everyday I am finding that I need to get my feelings down. And facebook is just not the place for me to do that. I want to stay positive and upbeat there because who wants to be around negative people? No one, but life is not easy and I am finding it hard to stay upbeat and positive with everything we go through.

My children, as much as I love them are driving me crazy. All three of them. Shocked? Yes, my sweet innocent little Emma drives me crazy. She is at that stage where she is getting into everything and wants no one but mommy. My boys ignore me, run away next door when they dont get their way and refuse to keep their toys picked up. I expect them to do be able to do this at 4 and 6. I have taught them, they just won't.

I am stressing out about finances again. It seems like just when we get our heads aboe water we start sinking again. I am fed up with struggling to make ends meet. Aaron shouldnt have to bear the burden alone, so I am going to go to work. He is looking for another career. We are scared of what lies ahead of us but we are confident that God is going to see us through. But it is not easy. I haven't worked since 2003. I have skills but not the experience needed for most office jobs. Aaron has the experience and the skills, but when you are looking for a job outside of your comfort zone its difficult for you to get noticed.

I try to keep my fears and worries to myself, stay upbeat, and have faith because thats what people expect from me. Thats what I expect from myself. But it feels like I'm lying, or putting on a show to make people happy. I don't want to put on a show anymore. I want to be real. I want people to see me for who i really am, not who they think I am or who they think I should be. I am me. I have crazy mood swings, I get angry, and it takes me a while to talk to someone I am mad at. I sit and think about a million things at once and answer my own thoughts outloud.

So this is here I will be me. Be myself. 100% Tamara.