Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Ok so here I am again, coming back to my blog after almost 6 months of nothing. Why? Because whether or not anyone reads this, whether or not I write everyday I am finding that I need to get my feelings down. And facebook is just not the place for me to do that. I want to stay positive and upbeat there because who wants to be around negative people? No one, but life is not easy and I am finding it hard to stay upbeat and positive with everything we go through.
My children, as much as I love them are driving me crazy. All three of them. Shocked? Yes, my sweet innocent little Emma drives me crazy. She is at that stage where she is getting into everything and wants no one but mommy. My boys ignore me, run away next door when they dont get their way and refuse to keep their toys picked up. I expect them to do be able to do this at 4 and 6. I have taught them, they just won't.
I am stressing out about finances again. It seems like just when we get our heads aboe water we start sinking again. I am fed up with struggling to make ends meet. Aaron shouldnt have to bear the burden alone, so I am going to go to work. He is looking for another career. We are scared of what lies ahead of us but we are confident that God is going to see us through. But it is not easy. I haven't worked since 2003. I have skills but not the experience needed for most office jobs. Aaron has the experience and the skills, but when you are looking for a job outside of your comfort zone its difficult for you to get noticed.
I try to keep my fears and worries to myself, stay upbeat, and have faith because thats what people expect from me. Thats what I expect from myself. But it feels like I'm lying, or putting on a show to make people happy. I don't want to put on a show anymore. I want to be real. I want people to see me for who i really am, not who they think I am or who they think I should be. I am me. I have crazy mood swings, I get angry, and it takes me a while to talk to someone I am mad at. I sit and think about a million things at once and answer my own thoughts outloud.
So this is here I will be me. Be myself. 100% Tamara.
My children, as much as I love them are driving me crazy. All three of them. Shocked? Yes, my sweet innocent little Emma drives me crazy. She is at that stage where she is getting into everything and wants no one but mommy. My boys ignore me, run away next door when they dont get their way and refuse to keep their toys picked up. I expect them to do be able to do this at 4 and 6. I have taught them, they just won't.
I am stressing out about finances again. It seems like just when we get our heads aboe water we start sinking again. I am fed up with struggling to make ends meet. Aaron shouldnt have to bear the burden alone, so I am going to go to work. He is looking for another career. We are scared of what lies ahead of us but we are confident that God is going to see us through. But it is not easy. I haven't worked since 2003. I have skills but not the experience needed for most office jobs. Aaron has the experience and the skills, but when you are looking for a job outside of your comfort zone its difficult for you to get noticed.
I try to keep my fears and worries to myself, stay upbeat, and have faith because thats what people expect from me. Thats what I expect from myself. But it feels like I'm lying, or putting on a show to make people happy. I don't want to put on a show anymore. I want to be real. I want people to see me for who i really am, not who they think I am or who they think I should be. I am me. I have crazy mood swings, I get angry, and it takes me a while to talk to someone I am mad at. I sit and think about a million things at once and answer my own thoughts outloud.
So this is here I will be me. Be myself. 100% Tamara.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Mortgage Modification
Aaron has been out of work since December. Yes he has found one or two days each month but that is not enough to sustain us. In fact we are in default on our mortgage right now. But its not bringing us down. Our pastor introduced us to a concept called mortgage modification. (He knew a man who might be able to help.) So we called them and they are trying to get our loan interest dropped significantly, lowering the mortgage loan value, and dropping our note. When I say significantly I mean from 10% interest to hopefully as low as 4% interest.
I had never heard of this kind of help until now. If I had even thought it was possible we would have done it YEARS ago! Can you imagine saving your home and cutting your payments in half at the same time? I am very excited! It is a long process and it isn't guaranteed, but it was a risk we were willing to take. So this week we have an appraiser coming out to our house and they will walk the property and walk my home and take pictures. Then if everything works out well maybe we will hear something before the default time is up and foreclosure is completed.
If you have thought about refinancing your home to lower your notes look into mortgage modification first. With our economy like it is, banks are willing to work something out to keep you in your home and help you make your payments by lowering the value of your home and lowering your note.
Yes, I know I sound like a spokesperson, but I am just happy that we may not lose our house after all. Well, not this month anyway. Keep praying that work will come through for Aaron. Times are tough and its not easy for us right now.
I had never heard of this kind of help until now. If I had even thought it was possible we would have done it YEARS ago! Can you imagine saving your home and cutting your payments in half at the same time? I am very excited! It is a long process and it isn't guaranteed, but it was a risk we were willing to take. So this week we have an appraiser coming out to our house and they will walk the property and walk my home and take pictures. Then if everything works out well maybe we will hear something before the default time is up and foreclosure is completed.
If you have thought about refinancing your home to lower your notes look into mortgage modification first. With our economy like it is, banks are willing to work something out to keep you in your home and help you make your payments by lowering the value of your home and lowering your note.
Yes, I know I sound like a spokesperson, but I am just happy that we may not lose our house after all. Well, not this month anyway. Keep praying that work will come through for Aaron. Times are tough and its not easy for us right now.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Truly scrambling to get it down before I fall asleep
Tonight I sit here and watch Emma sleep. I am thinking about where I stand in life. Where I stand with God, where I stand with my children, and where I stand with my husband.
I am a good mother, at least I think so. My kids are fed, clothed and usually in good health. Every night we say prayers and I pray that I am instilling something in their hearts that will follow them into adulthood. I pray that my children know how much I truly love them. I worry that they wont follow after God when they grow up. I know many children who were raised in church that have fallen away from God.
I sometimes feel that with Aaron being out of work for so long that I am driving him crazy. He is one who has to be busy and I find that I dont get near enough done with him here all day. I get frustrated, he laughs at my temper and ends up making me laugh along with him. Its days like that when I realize why I fell in love with him. I often think he can see more in me than he admits to.
There are also times when I wish I could have five simple minutes alone with God. No kids screaming mommy, no house work piled up waiting on me, and no husband asking whats for supper. Just a few minutes alone, just me and God.Iime for Him to visit me, and show me what He wants of me, or I want to just sit and listen, wait for Him to just say hello. I know that is the one relationship that is not what it was four months ago.
Four months, it's amazing what four months of sleeplessness will do to you. Four months of late nights and early morning feedings. I know all too soon though my baby girl will grow up, and I will find the quiet time with God I used to have at night. Until then, I will wait till bed time, say my prayers, and hope that God will have mercy on me and whisper before I fall asleep...my child I have not forgotten you.
I am a good mother, at least I think so. My kids are fed, clothed and usually in good health. Every night we say prayers and I pray that I am instilling something in their hearts that will follow them into adulthood. I pray that my children know how much I truly love them. I worry that they wont follow after God when they grow up. I know many children who were raised in church that have fallen away from God.
I sometimes feel that with Aaron being out of work for so long that I am driving him crazy. He is one who has to be busy and I find that I dont get near enough done with him here all day. I get frustrated, he laughs at my temper and ends up making me laugh along with him. Its days like that when I realize why I fell in love with him. I often think he can see more in me than he admits to.
There are also times when I wish I could have five simple minutes alone with God. No kids screaming mommy, no house work piled up waiting on me, and no husband asking whats for supper. Just a few minutes alone, just me and God.Iime for Him to visit me, and show me what He wants of me, or I want to just sit and listen, wait for Him to just say hello. I know that is the one relationship that is not what it was four months ago.
Four months, it's amazing what four months of sleeplessness will do to you. Four months of late nights and early morning feedings. I know all too soon though my baby girl will grow up, and I will find the quiet time with God I used to have at night. Until then, I will wait till bed time, say my prayers, and hope that God will have mercy on me and whisper before I fall asleep...my child I have not forgotten you.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Life Update....
Time goes by so fast that I find myself not having enough of it to do what I want to do or what needs to be done. I have found that updating my blog has been on my list of things to do but has always ended up on the backburner. So here is my life update as of today.
Life is a mess! Thankfully we have a God who knows what we need and loves us enough to give it to us even when we least deserve it!
Since April so much has happened and it is keeping us very busy. Aarons grandparents have both been in the hospital in the past few months and with prayer God has given them another chance at life. THank you so much Sister and Pastor Smith for your prayers. We now have appointments with them on a weekly basis and hav been taking turns getting them there.
Dj has asthma. This we knew when he was born and he has been doing very well with it but summer seems to flair up his sympotms and his doctor has decided that in order to reduce his winter symptoms, and help with the summer ones, he needs to have his tonsils removed. He has adult sized tonsils and adnoids so we expected it to happen by the time he turns 3. Aj had them out as well and hasnt had near as many sick days as before so I am encouraged that this will help.
We found out that we are indeed having a baby girl! I am very excited and happy as this is our last child due to my health(more later). Her name is Emma Danyel or Danyela, Im having a hard time deciding. I am 23 weeks pregnant and did I mention very excited? LOL I have already had her nursery painted and purchased the flooring for her room. Now I just have to convince Aaron to put it down for me.
I mentioned before that Emma will be our last child, and some of you know about my health issues. But I havent told anyone the full story, and its no secret, I just dont tell everyone I meet. So here it is. After I got pregnant Aaron noticed a larger knot in the center of my throat. I have had a thyroid nodule for a couple of years but it was benign so we didnt have surgery to have it removed. I had a ultrasound done on it and they found 8 small nodules around my thyroids and found that my left thyroid is severely enlarged and I have hyperthyroidism along with it.
This usually warrants surgery or radiation but since I am pregnant we arent able to do either yet. At this point we cannot even diagnose if it is cancer or not because the scan they have to do uses the radioactive iodine. My thyroid levels are fluxuating high and low and the medicine I am on has to be adjusted biweekly. This means that I have to go every two weeks to the Endocrinologists office in Southwest Houston and heave blood draw and have my levels reread. This is not fun, but hey it has to be done. At this point I am feeling like a pin cushion. As soon as Emma is born we have to do one round of radioactive iodine therapy to see where we are at. And to see what course of action we are going to take.
At first I was very scared and very depressed about it but even if God does not heal me, and even if it is cancer and I have to have surgery, I am going to be positive about it. Maybe in my circumstances, and in my suffering God may have a plan for someone else to find Him. Maybe this is going to be Gods timing to allow some of my lost family to come to Him. And I have finally put it in His capable hands and said Lord, for once I am not going to question your timing.
Now if only I could have that same faith in the rest of my life. Amazed at how I can trust God with one thing and not another? So am I, but I am trying. God knows our work situation is bad right now. He knows that we have nothing to fall back on and He has never seen His seed begging bread, but I am still a worrier and I still fall short of full trust in Him when it comes to finances. Why do we lack the faith in all areas? I wonder this of myself every day.
But here it is my update. My random thoughts of blah.
Life is a mess! Thankfully we have a God who knows what we need and loves us enough to give it to us even when we least deserve it!
Since April so much has happened and it is keeping us very busy. Aarons grandparents have both been in the hospital in the past few months and with prayer God has given them another chance at life. THank you so much Sister and Pastor Smith for your prayers. We now have appointments with them on a weekly basis and hav been taking turns getting them there.
Dj has asthma. This we knew when he was born and he has been doing very well with it but summer seems to flair up his sympotms and his doctor has decided that in order to reduce his winter symptoms, and help with the summer ones, he needs to have his tonsils removed. He has adult sized tonsils and adnoids so we expected it to happen by the time he turns 3. Aj had them out as well and hasnt had near as many sick days as before so I am encouraged that this will help.
We found out that we are indeed having a baby girl! I am very excited and happy as this is our last child due to my health(more later). Her name is Emma Danyel or Danyela, Im having a hard time deciding. I am 23 weeks pregnant and did I mention very excited? LOL I have already had her nursery painted and purchased the flooring for her room. Now I just have to convince Aaron to put it down for me.
I mentioned before that Emma will be our last child, and some of you know about my health issues. But I havent told anyone the full story, and its no secret, I just dont tell everyone I meet. So here it is. After I got pregnant Aaron noticed a larger knot in the center of my throat. I have had a thyroid nodule for a couple of years but it was benign so we didnt have surgery to have it removed. I had a ultrasound done on it and they found 8 small nodules around my thyroids and found that my left thyroid is severely enlarged and I have hyperthyroidism along with it.
This usually warrants surgery or radiation but since I am pregnant we arent able to do either yet. At this point we cannot even diagnose if it is cancer or not because the scan they have to do uses the radioactive iodine. My thyroid levels are fluxuating high and low and the medicine I am on has to be adjusted biweekly. This means that I have to go every two weeks to the Endocrinologists office in Southwest Houston and heave blood draw and have my levels reread. This is not fun, but hey it has to be done. At this point I am feeling like a pin cushion. As soon as Emma is born we have to do one round of radioactive iodine therapy to see where we are at. And to see what course of action we are going to take.
At first I was very scared and very depressed about it but even if God does not heal me, and even if it is cancer and I have to have surgery, I am going to be positive about it. Maybe in my circumstances, and in my suffering God may have a plan for someone else to find Him. Maybe this is going to be Gods timing to allow some of my lost family to come to Him. And I have finally put it in His capable hands and said Lord, for once I am not going to question your timing.
Now if only I could have that same faith in the rest of my life. Amazed at how I can trust God with one thing and not another? So am I, but I am trying. God knows our work situation is bad right now. He knows that we have nothing to fall back on and He has never seen His seed begging bread, but I am still a worrier and I still fall short of full trust in Him when it comes to finances. Why do we lack the faith in all areas? I wonder this of myself every day.
But here it is my update. My random thoughts of blah.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Spring is a time for beginnings....
Wow it has been a long time since I had time to sit and blog. There is always so much going on especially around Easter! So catching everyone up, I am now 3 months pregnant, I am finally getting my energy back and now that it is Spring it is a REALLY good thing because I have sooo much going on now.
We have family coming in for Easter. My dad is even talking about coming to church with me. He has been in a church ONE time since I have been alive and that was for my wedding so I am really excited, he has even been talki9ng about getting baptized! God has changed my Dad so much in these past few years. We are starting a new relationship and I love it. He finally understands why I made the decision to live for God and in his own way has started his own relationship with God. YEA!!!!
I have decided to try my hand at a home business. I have always loved Mary Kays skincare line and I have decided to sell Mary Kay products. My goal is to make enough money to pay for the boys to go to Conroe Christian School. At least Aj to start with. I am looking forward to doing the skincare classes and I love hangong out with ladies so this should be a lot of fun. Seriously, anyone who wants a facial, you know how to reach me. Plus they have given me a website! Pray that god will bless my adventure!
Aaron and I have planted another garden. This year our garden is twice the size it was last year so I am a little nervous about it. I had fun with it last year but I also had a hard time harvesting everything when aaron was away. We have planted a bigger variety of fruits and vegetables this year. Our garden consists of Corn, Okra 2 types of green beens, cucumber, squash, bell pepper, green onion, banana peppers, jalapenos, spinach, watermelon, cantalope, and of course tomatoes. whew, that is a lot of stuff!
I am so excited about spring! so much to do, so many new beginnings, so much growth and so many chances to witness and share not only God's word, but also His LOVE!!!!
We have family coming in for Easter. My dad is even talking about coming to church with me. He has been in a church ONE time since I have been alive and that was for my wedding so I am really excited, he has even been talki9ng about getting baptized! God has changed my Dad so much in these past few years. We are starting a new relationship and I love it. He finally understands why I made the decision to live for God and in his own way has started his own relationship with God. YEA!!!!
I have decided to try my hand at a home business. I have always loved Mary Kays skincare line and I have decided to sell Mary Kay products. My goal is to make enough money to pay for the boys to go to Conroe Christian School. At least Aj to start with. I am looking forward to doing the skincare classes and I love hangong out with ladies so this should be a lot of fun. Seriously, anyone who wants a facial, you know how to reach me. Plus they have given me a website! Pray that god will bless my adventure!
Aaron and I have planted another garden. This year our garden is twice the size it was last year so I am a little nervous about it. I had fun with it last year but I also had a hard time harvesting everything when aaron was away. We have planted a bigger variety of fruits and vegetables this year. Our garden consists of Corn, Okra 2 types of green beens, cucumber, squash, bell pepper, green onion, banana peppers, jalapenos, spinach, watermelon, cantalope, and of course tomatoes. whew, that is a lot of stuff!
I am so excited about spring! so much to do, so many new beginnings, so much growth and so many chances to witness and share not only God's word, but also His LOVE!!!!
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Little Things we Take for granted......
You never think about the little things in life. Well we think about the big things, like are the kids dressed...do their clothes match... are the bills going to get paid this week. But then do we ever think Lord, is my new washing machine going to work today? I mean its new right. Its suppose to be top of the line. We have had it about a year so when I go to put my clothes in it, I just expect it to work. How WRONG I have been. Evidently my washing machine has decided to go on strike...Ugh and now my service department will not be here to fix it until Wednesday. Lord is this your idea of teaching me to humble myself? Please Lord I dont want to go to the laundry mat this week, Please Please PLease! Tried it again just to see if maybe God would give me a break, just maybe...nope out of luck again. Well by faith, I will only have to make one trip to the laundry mat instead of two. But if they dont get it fixed before Ladies conference maybe God will provide a new wardrobe for the conference for me.....Hey I have faith....Faith in God. Not the repair men. Good news at least its under warranty....LOL.
I know yall think I sawllowed goofy pills this morning....perhaps along with my vitamins.....ya knowIm starting to think that maybe I did. Ahhhhhh, do you hear it? I think my bed is calling me for a nice little nap.....another thing we take for granted.....our nice comforatable beds.....I will never take mine for granted again!
I know yall think I sawllowed goofy pills this morning....perhaps along with my vitamins.....ya knowIm starting to think that maybe I did. Ahhhhhh, do you hear it? I think my bed is calling me for a nice little nap.....another thing we take for granted.....our nice comforatable beds.....I will never take mine for granted again!
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